I suppose that a post discussing going into the new year is a bit overdue, but I don’t like to write a blog post unless I feel like I have something of substance. Since 2017 began I am full of doubt and excitement. I of course look back on the last year and think about all that I had accomplished, the birth of my daughter, and the darkest moments of my life. Can these be topped? Have I really hit my emotional bottom? One of my greatest accomplishments of 2016 was graduating from University. Though, at times, it was a bit discouraging going to school with individuals who had no clue what a floppy disk was, even at 29 I feel extremely proud. I dropped out of college originally in 2005 during my Christmas break to be with a guy of all things and to party. That is what happens when you let a sheltered country girl out into the wild.
Everyone told me that it was the biggest mistake I would ever make, which in all actuality is the truth. They also said I would never go back. Wrong, I did. When I got pregnant with my now 5 year old daughter I knew I had to make a change. I couldn’t continue being a server the rest of my life (nothing wrong with serving, its a respectable job). I felt like I was working my self to death, being dragged away from my life with my kids, and dealing with more stress than reward. When I had my daughter I enrolled myself in a community college with a dream of getting into a local rather well-known University. Nobody thought I could do it. Well, I did. From when my daughter was born until she turned 5, I was in school. I missed a lot of time with her I wish I could get back but I know that it will benefit our family in the long-run. I worked 40 hours a week, sometimes two jobs, 18 credit hours a semester, and living on my own. I have more appreciation for what I have because of that experience.
The birth of my daughter Edie was by far the best part of my year. A baby I dubbed ‘the miracle baby’ because she had a very slim chance of happening due to her biological fathers issues.
I should have known being Mexican and having a cabbage patch in my uterus means that the chance of me being highly fertile is high. Nothing like finding out that you are pregnant with a love child with your friend with benefits than on a study abroad in China with your Lutheran University. This will make great conversation with the grand kids in the future I am sure. Also, her name might sound odd. Yes, I ran out of dead grandparents to name kids after. Not having to deal with the sperm donor wanting a part in the childs life I decide to just do what I wanted. She is named after Edie Sedgwick and her middle name Ayumi is Jpop star Ayumi Hamasaki.
Now to the not so stellar parts of the year. I hit an emotional bottom. I won’t lie to people when I tell them that I thought about hurting myself an awful lot. It was painful. I did at times hurt myself. I didn’t know that to do. I had to deal with life-on-life’s terms and I wasn’t ready to face the music. I went into a basic survival mode…. I went through a mini quarter-life crisis the year before and broke up with my daughters father. I thought that the life or normalcy and basic was what I wanted it and it was not. I was unhappy. I made that decision on an unstable emotional foundation, which is why I think it didn’t go as well as it should have. I tried getting back with him many many many times I think more for comfort issues more than for genuine love. Then I had to deal with the fact that he met someone and got engaged in less than a year. Not that there is a reason to care nor is it any of my business.. but I think my push off the deep end had to do with the fact that I really don’t have any direction. I need to learn to accept myself before I can proceed in life.. and I am still struggling with this. I am all over the place, like a cat with a laser pointer. I am trying to accomplish and work on so many skills and dreams and can’t sit and focus. Though I am much better now since I have gotten help on terms of mental stability, I still have a lot of growing up to do. I think that is why I say that 2017 is the year of uncertainty for me. I am really on my own now. I have my first job after graduating college. I am also going to be moving to a state where I have no family and don’t know anyone. I have to work hard and try to bring my kids with me. I need to learn to be okay with me so I can succeed at this. It is making me nervous.. I need support emotionally and from friends to make this transition. I am hoping though in my heart that 2017 can have as many positive aspects to it as 2016 did.
