I fully accept the mistakes that have caused me to take a rather unconventional twisted path to the somewhat functioning adult I have turned out to be. I don’t regret them but have grown.
Some of these mistakes have caused me to mature and realize what’s most important in life too late. Not everyone is destined to follow the same path.
I remember since I was younger I had that dream every little girl has. Marriage, children, etc. The sugar coated cookie cutter bs that has become the meritocracy myth of my generation. I might not be married but I have children. I love them… the best I know how. It’s hard to be what others expect when you can hardly figure out how to love yourself. No matter how unconventional my parenting everything I do is for them. I’m constantly reminded by those who should support my sacrifice and efforts that I basically fail as a parent. Two children, 5 years. I’ve attended University the entire time, worked full-time and sometimes multiple jobs the entire time, I even studied abroad to get a good resume builder. Now that I’ve graduated things should be great. Now I’m treated like I’m some selfish bitch that wasn’t around for her children, like I did all of that for fun because it was a walk in the park. I want to be more involved but am met with critical hesitant responses to my approaches like I’m treating my role as a mother like a band wagon. I wear my past like a Scarlett letter as the reason for my sacrifice and my very accomplishments are thrown into the wind with the remainder of my soul as if my ashes are being laid to rest. Sometimes I wonder why the pain and struggle, what was the point? To have such beautiful angels if I only have them 2 days a week, it seems almost better to give up and let those who Hate Me just take it all.
